Trying, I'm with you honey. I'm sorry, but I was gone last night, so haven't read this until today. I don't know the history of your marriage, but it is unlikely that your husband is completely in the dark. Also, he's your husband, and I'm sure that he wants you to get well, but may have no clue how to help that happen. Mine gave me ultimatums, anger, support, frustration...the whole gamut. We were both clueless. But one thing that is true: he does want me to get better, is willing to help (I have to tell him how and what works best for me). Understand that he is probably just as frightened as you. People who are not alcoholic just don't get it. They don't understand the obsession, the Jekyl/Hyde personality, the underlying shame, the self esteem issues, etc. Maybe point him in the direction of Alanon, or some forum (this one may be too close for your comfort) that provides support and info to family members?
I'm an emotionally basketcase if my "safety" is threatened. It's all about fear of the unknown and that which can't be controlled. I can so relate.
I hope so desperately that you are OK. Please let us all know. You are in my prayers. :praying