Cornczech

Hello Ya'll!!

I had googled health effects of drinking a six pack a day and found this website..hurrah! I am not sober now...tried to stop drinking a couple of times, (the last one in March after spending a week in the local nut house after trying to kill myself....a mixture of alcohol (to get the nerve up) and depression/hormonal imbalance and what the "shrinks" call BiPolar disorder, (man how I hate labels!), but all to no avail. I managed, through sheer will..to stay sober for almost 3 weeks after the hospitalization in March, but I was done in at a "Favrefest" *(only a Packer football fan would know what I am talking about) that was full of happy, beer guzzling fans. I am currently, as I type, on my 3rd beer of the day...feel like crap..and wish I had ANY kind of willpower...but I will not beat myself up here...I drink alone everyday sitting in front of the TV, drinking 4 to 8 beers before bed...yes...a female professional in the medical field, drinking herself to death.....
The fast and furious version of my story..(are we even interested?) I am 41...have been drinking "heavily" since 1999...It began with my drinking on weekends...binge drinking on weekends to be exact, in 1999 when I left the Middle East and met my current husband. I was never a big drinker before that...but had troubles with pain killer abuse after having chronic health problems beginning in 1995....luckily for me, I was unable to tolerate the painkillers after about 4 years of taking them every day and had no choice but to stop in 1998...I traded them for pot.....ANYTHING to stop the physical pain, the mental spinning, (a lifelong problem) and the pot replaced several "legal" meds I had to take to stop pain, nausea and anxiety. because pot is difficult to get, I turned to drink despite my mother being a hard core alcoholic and my child's promise to "never be like her"...I'll skip the journey from drinking on weekends to my current state: I drink NO LESS than 4 beers a day...and will consume until I get physically ill, (I have MANY bowel/stomach issues) and that number is usually 8..then I either fall asleep or puke.....I can only say THANK the GODDESS that I have that weak stomach or I would drink until I passed out. I thought I had a "handle" on my drinking, i.e. I was down to 4 a day..then my 38 year old brother died on July 12th and I was drinking 8 beers a day to "deal with his death"...that was a month ago and I am having troubles stopping at the "harm reduction" number of 4 beers a day. What makes this worse, and I will highlight this: I TAKE A FEW LIVER HARD MEDICATIONS AND HAVE A MYRIAD OF BOWEL/STOMACH ISSUES that make my drinking all the more dangerous.(I take Hormone replacement from a hyster in 2005 and if I am out of weed, will take ambien..no matter the warning on the bottle NOT to mix it with alcohol). I am afraid I am killing myself and more scary, I sometimes don't care....I am sure my brother accidentally killed himself doing the very thing I am doing now, (he died in his sleep and the autopsy report is not back yet...but for sure it was not a heart attack or anything that could be found easily...he TOO was an alcoholic and BiPolar). I have pain every day and in my alcoholic mind, the beer eases the pain....
I AM SCARED TO DEATH I am killing myself slowly, but am powerless to stop this trend. I have spent the last 2 hours on the thread where nobody can seem to get past the 2 weeks sober. This is only the 3rd time I have tried stopping and I am pretty discouraged to read that some people are on their "hundreth attempt" to stop drinking. When I went into the hospital, they denied my request to go into inpatient saying I was NOT an alcoholic, but was "self-medicating" my bipolar...I had NO problems with "bipolar" until I got a hysterectomy in 2005....then my alcohol use DOUBLED...(the doc said I was doing this because I was under medicated and needed more estrogen)...it's almost as if the medical professional is making my excuses FOR me....anyhow, I know this is WAY too long of an introduction and probably boring as heck...but I WANT to stop, on one hand and on the other I WANT to kill myself with this...have even tried the EXTREME binge to try and accomplish this end, but my stomach revolts, thank Jebus, and I have to stop at the 8 beers a day.....I WILL end this long missive with the statement that I DO NOT buy the higher power thing and the few times I went to AA I DESPISED it...not merely hated...but REALLY hated it...and I live in Chicago...most of the people there were black, homeless MALES and I am a young, professional FEMALE...I could not relate AT ALL.....I have an HMO and the doctors of quackery, I mean psychiatry are second rate and really have too many patients to care about my "little" problem.....I mean, I was DENIED the request to go inpatient.....the only times I stop are when I am hospitalized with diverticulitis, (they give you Flagyl which acts JUSt like anabuse) or when I am in inpatient psychiatric care after a suicide attempt....when I was in Salt Lake City Utah 9 years ago, it was easy NOT to drink because of the Mormon restrictions and having to go to a "state" run liquor store...but I live in the 2nd beer capital of the US, Chicago and there are more liquor stores than churches here......
So..this is my story...I have promised my alcoholic husband, (another reason it is hard to quit) that I will try stopping again when he tries to stop smoking in September, (he has emphysema at age 37)...but I am not 100% sure I can do this....as well, that desire to destroy myself has been with me in some form since age 17...I am scared and VERY VERY isolated, (out of choice) I used to be outgoing, talented and open....now I am exactly the opposite...what else can I say?

D- (-_-)