Abundance

I am taking the steps in breaking it.

I don't know if it is a good idea to keep posting here because I am so raw in how I am feeling..... and I feel that it's just going to hurt my guy - and I don't want to hurt him. However, that may change and he will be from a place of recovery and will understand that I am too.

As most of you know, I have been in turmoil - literally flared up with the allergy reaction of this disease since December. However; over these last 8 months, I have been trying to remedy it. I truly believe that the remedy for me has been SR and al-anon - as well as learning so much about this addiction and how it effects him, but also me.

We have not spoken since he left Monday night, but we have shared a couple of text messages.

I told him that I couldn't believe that he let the other guy win. He replied saying that he didn't and that he was sober (lie).... and that he still is (which is probably not true, or at least just a few days clean). He told me what he couldn't believe is that he let the frustration and anger take over and control him on Monday. And that he misses us and loves us very much.
My response to that message was that Anger and Frustration is because of the other guy. That he is going to have these same demons whether he uses or not. And if he uses then the other guy is going to take over. I told him that I was pissed as hell at that other guy; however, if he is telling me that he is sober and it's not that other guy - then I'm pissed as hell at him! I also told him that I'm not ready to talk about this with him and that I'm going to need a lot of time to take care of myself.

Now, he is telling me all that he wants. And I do not want to hear about anything that he wants that comes in the way of what he needs from me. He has to do what is best for him.... he needs to truly hit bottom and then work his way up..... and then we can talk when we are both on the same level - which isn't that far from where he is at currently (if he doesn't go further down). I want to be able to say all of this to him, without coming from a place of emotion - but I'm not there yet. I'm still very emotionally tied up in this. We ARE soul mates.... we do have a connection..... but I am so broken - it did and it still does take so much out of me.

The boys start school tomorrow, we are going to be putting in a good few hours on their school supplies and getting their school clothes sorted out. I'm trying to keep moving, and it's not easy. He is the first thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

He thinks that me drug testing him randomly a couple times a week works for him; however, that doesn't work for me. The same reason, I never drug tested him in the past, is because I don't want the worry and concern about what my part is going to be if it does show up positive - or if he fights me on it. I couldn't even handle a week in active addiction!!!! Like I have said, I can do honesty - not lies. I can do recovery - not addiction. So basically, what he is *really* telling me is that he just needed to go out and see one last time at the risk of making me (the one he totally and completely loves) - CRAZY! Did he honestly think I wouldn't get to this place - that I can't do this anymore? This is not new to me - Back in January he told me that he had quit. While I doubted that was true - I kept believing him because I too was in denial. This is all too familiar of those times! The only difference now is that it's not just me being effected by this - the children now have been effected as well.

I still believe that this is the other guy talking and/or he is scared and wants his sanctuary back. I provide that for him. We do have an incredible bond, but it is not strong enough to help him beat this addiction - he has to do that all on his own - and most importantly it can't be for anyone, but himself.

My heart is breaking saying all of this, and it hurts even worse doing it. This isn't so much about how I feel, but what I know about this disease. I can't control it, I can't cure it, and I can't cause it. I'm sticking with al-anon because this has been a pattern for me. I love him - but the more I love him - I am killing him. I hate this disease SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!