anubus

This sure is harder than I thought it would be!!!!!!!!!! For those of you who don't know my situation, I threw my ABF out 3 weeks ago.

Perhaps this is just a normal greiving process.......but this week has been extremely awful, and I am just a MESS!!!! I'm praying to God & He is telling me to be patient & trust Him, but I just want to throw darts at everything & everyone who is trying to help me. I'm a freaking basket case this week!!!!!

I'm doing all the right things....going to Alon-On 2-3 times a week, AA once a week (not an A,just wanting to learn about this desease), a home Bible study once a week, motivational dvd's, these boards, calling friends, going out as much as I can, etc. I've been praying my heart out, trying with every ounce of my being to "give it to God". I've put myself & HIM on every prayer list I come across.

But I am totally depressed and SO LONELY!!!!!! And can't seem to "let go and let God"......my anxiety is way out of control!!!! I've been having chest pains (anxiety attacks), my muscles are always tense, and just can't seem to relax.
I can't sleep and when I finally do fall asleep, I dream about HIM......URGH, can't eat, can't do ANYTHING except cry and pray. This is horrible, but honestly I've turned to wine to salve MY pain.........what is WRONG with me????? I've been trying for 3 days now to scrub the kitchen floor & run the sweeper........trying to follow everyone's advise to "keep busy"......I haven't even been able to do THOSE 2 THINGS!!! I have a gorgeous 1 acre back yard, so yesterday I tried my darndest to force myself to go out on my back deck, just for a few minutes, and appreciate all the good stuff that I have........I could not for the life of me go out there ALONE.

I haven't heard anything from him, I almost did a horrible codie thing.....was gonna call him, but fortunately God intervened. I know I HAVE to let this GO.....that IF he is ever going to realize (which I am praying SO hard for), I HAVE to stay away/no contact. But it's KILLING ME!!!!! I'm ready to beg him to come back, I just miss him SO much.

And I am SO LONELY!!!!! I'm 50 years old, and SO AFRAID that I will never have anyone in my life again. I know......I need to be happy with MYSELF. But damn.......I've been doing that for SO LONG. I have gone through more than imaginable on my own.....when my XH (adult child of A, not an A himself but had the extreme behavior) left, I struggled ALONE to save my house from foreclosure. He left me for dead....all I had was $140....no spousal support , NOTHING but God. Four years ago, all I could DO was "give it to God".....and I honeslty thought my life was OVER, I never thought I would be still in this house......the only thing that held me togther then was Hurricane Katrina......watching thise poor people and thinking "at least I have my house TODAY".
Now, I should be SO THANKFUL, but why aren't I????? People look at me and say how strong I was & am. My 25 year old daughter looked at me today, in my total depressed state......and said "Mom, people ENVY you." She said her dad (my XH) ENVIES me.......he wishes HE had what I have....he realizes he screwed up, but is remarried and too late to turn back time.

But to ME......I look at him, being remarried......and am asking God WHY He hasn't blessed me with a HUSBAND by now. That was always my childhood dream........just to be married, and serve God together. I was SO HURT.......our divorce was listed in the newsapaper right next to his marriage license......people laughed that the way it was written, almost looked like it was together........our 3 names.......mine, his, and his new wife. I've just been through so much hurt/pain, and now this latest breakup is taking a big toll on me. I had prayed for a soulmate in my life for a long time after my divorce. Oddly, right before I met my ABF, I had been doing internet dating. I got so frustrated one day with meeting guys and nothing working out, I just QUIT DATING, and said if God wanted somebody in my life, He'd have to send him to my front door.....well, 2 weeks later my ABF showed up AT MY FRONT DOOR, holding a rake. I honestly thought God had answered my prayers..........FINALLY. And then after 1 year I threw him out because of A & not working, and he came back AGAIN to my front door......this time holding an Xmas tree, and confiding in me all his deep dark A secrets, telling me about his warrant, the illegal van, how he felt inside, promising to give me money, the fairy tale, everything.......so I thought "Okay, he's REALIZED"....But....then it was just WORSE.....And now I am just a MESS.

Just don't understand and feeling SO lonely. My one male friend who knew me from way back when my XH left, says it just takes me longer to greive than most people. He says it's "just me". Maybe he is right. Then another lady-friend says it sounds like **I** am hitting bottom......ugh......do non-alcoholics do that TOO???? She says a person has to hit bottom before God opens doors & windows. Other people suggest I get meds for depression......ughh, I am SO afraid to take meds of ANY kind.
All I know is that I am SO hurting, and wish I'd have never thrown him out!! This is HORRIBLE.......it's so bad that I turned down work twice this week, just because I am too sick to go!!!!! I need the money desperately, yet just too sick to go.

Is this normal grieving???????//Should I be KIND to myself right now, give myself time.....or do I really have a problem, and need to get meds?????/ Honestly, when my XH left, it took me 1-2 months of just sitting on the couch, crying, and praying before I could move on. So is this the same? Am I just the type of person who takes longer to grive & accept thi ngs? Is that OKAY???

And WHY do i feel so strongly and want to cling to the idea that ABF WILL realize, and come back??????????? I know the percent of that is slim to none....yet I just can't let go of my hope. And I know that in order for that to even happen.........I need to "let go and let God"........people keep mentioning to me that my worrying and fear etc is actually HINDERING God from working.

BUT WHY CAN'T I JUST *******LET GO*********????????