So today is my first day of detachment. And it feels sooo good! Today is the first day in many years where I have woken up with out the proverbial knot in my stomach. It is the first time in a long time where I didn't say to myself, "oh, god, how am I going to get through this day and what is he going to do to us now!"
Today, I have broken free of the sickness that has been holding me captive. I have spent to many years trying to hold up the 4 walls that were caving in on me with only 2 hands. Today, I let those walls fall and I stepped out of the box that has imprisoned me. And you know what? It sure is beautiful out here!
My AH is coming home from rehab in 2 days. Up until now I have been fretting and worried sick over what "he might do", did I want him home, will he behave and stay clean, and driving myself nuts over the what ifs. Now, I woke up today and said, he is coming home, but this is my home too. Only he can control if he screws up, not me. I have no power over that. I do however, have the power to decide how I am going to live. And that is what I plan on doing.
I am going to live! For me! I am going live my life, which has been on hold for years and centered around him. No longer. I am not going to enslave myself to someone elses needs and actions. I am no longer my "brothers keeper". I am a beautiful, loving, and caring woman. I have a lot to offer...to ME!
My mother (r.i.p.) was not an educated woman. She only had a 7th grade education as she had to work to help the family. But she was one of the smartest women I have ever known. Her words are haunting me now. "People will only do to you what you let them do to you". I hear that now in my mind and smile.
Today I stand strong. I stand for me. I am getting healthy for me.
