she never knows
This has been a rough holiday season for me.
I don't kow where to start. My mom has been an alcoholic for about six years. It has been better for me since I have moved out, but most of my existance growing up has been being there for my mom. For a long time it was just her and me before she remarried. Actually, sometimes it seems worse since I have left because now it feels like she doesn't even have me.
What she doesn't seem to know is that I feel like I am the only one that is rooting for her, that is on her side. We went out to dinner the other night, after xmas, and she proceeds to order beer...tells me to take my time, and "why do we have to be in a hurry"....basically she wants to get as much liquid in her before food so she can maximize her buzz. She then tells me that she's grateful for my time, seeing as I must have nothing better to do if I was sitting there with her. She thus begins dumping her strife, but when I begin to say something, she almost yells at me that its not about me, its about her, she just needs friend, and knows that I don't care. I'm astounded. I didn't know she had so much animosity built up towards me. So, I just sat there and listened. I didn't say another word. The approach seems to help because she thanked me for days later about being there for her. Its just so hard, because I call her all the time and feel like I'm always there for her. She has gotten less and less logical over the years. She's gained a lot of weight. She doesn't stand up straight. When I look at pictures from five years ago she looks like she's aged like ten yeas since then. She looks like shes dying, inside and out. And it kills me. When I'm home I see myself acting like a person I'm not. I get sassy and smarty. I can't save her or my family at home who are also dealing with it. I'm scared my step-dad will leave her. I'm scared that when she finds out I am not moving home for grad school she will emotionally cut me off again. She's drunk everytime I go home. I have so many strories over the years I wouldn't even know where to begin. I guess one 'thread' at a time.