"the struggle with the higher power is hard for me due to my church upbringing.."
It will be a struggle as long as you want it to be a struggle, and your 'upbringing' is long gone so think about putting it in the past where it belongs.
Just my own opinion, but my religious 'upbringing' is about as far from my Higher Power as it can get. There is no relationship what-so-ever.
Why? Becasue I don't choose to make any association.
You've got some choices too.