Originally Posted by chiynita

Just my opinion.
Behavior follows.
It opens up so many more possibilities.
There is no limit to what you can do.

Why am I posting this?
Because I have been noticing some things about myself that are alien to me.

Most of my life. I always looked at myself as not all that pretty. Not very smart. Not very capable. Or motivated enough.

Now I am only a month and a half clean. But I am on my umpteenth attempt at trying to beat this addiction.
First attempt. Was very new to me. And when I failed. I took it very personal. SO personal. I tried to make sure it wouldnt happen again. Also with that. Never would I be able to relapse again. Or do anything for that matter. Glad that plan didnt work.
But with that first attempt and failure. I took a little lesson with me.
Second time...third time..and so on. I took another little lesson with me.

So with all those little lessons. (And I should be on the recovery short bus)
I have accumilated quite a little bit of knowledge of this thing called recovery.

So where I am as of right now is....

I have learned to take it easy on myself. Love myself. Care about myself.
Believe I can make it. Believe I am worth it.

And with that thinking. I am seeing some very different thoughts enter my mind quite frequently.
I am catching myself seriously thinking about going to school. I have always thought it was too late for me. Or I dont have time. Or I wont know anything. I am going to fail because I am not smart enough. Dedicated enough. Or just all kinds of things.
But I am tired of not doing anything with myself. Working meaningless jobs.
I want to own a business. Or be a boss somewhere that I enjoy. I really want to have a career doing soemthing I am passionate about.
I mean. Money and financial security is a big part of it. But being happy and doing something I love is the main purpose for me.

Another thing I have noticed.

I have been getting some cravings that hit out of nowhere alot lately. And I seriously beat those thoughts down. I dont give them a nano second to become a long drawn out..torturous day dream. I litterally Say to myself. Thats BS. I cant think that. I cant and wont even go there. I am done. And it is becoming habit to automatically jump my mind into a visual of the last time I used. Which was pure hell. And as fast as they came. They are gone. I would any other time. Entertain the thoughts a little. Not anymore. That breeds temptation. Its kinda cool actually. I dont even know how I am pulling that one off. But it works. So I am not even going to question that one.


I went shopping last week for clothes. I havent actually enjoyed clothes shopping in so many years. I hated the way everything looked on me. EVerything looked awful. I bought the cutest outfit. And even tried it on there and liked it. I have been wearing loose baggy clothes for so long. And I didnt even feel weird in it. Busted out some old shoes I have had but never wore. Painting the nails and being a woman again. The hair. The makeup. My mannerisms. I still not real comfortable with all the weight I have gained. Buit I am ok with it. I can work with that. I CANT work with a huge hot bugged out mess that getting high does.

It just feels so good. I feel like I care again. I feel like I can again.
I feel like I want to again.

Ok so point being.

Alll this is coming from MY thought process being changed. Not completely. But changing a little all the time.
How you think of yourself. And How you think of anything really. It just makes such a huge difference on how you react or take action with things.

I mean school???!! Never would I have ever gave it a single thought.
I am not saying this is what I am going to do. But the possibility is there.

I am just so happy that my thoughts and goals are going beyond my expectations.
That My thoughts are broadening further than just how am I going to stay clean today. That does and will always remain my first priority. But my whole life does not have to be consumed with my addiction and recovery.
And thats all I have thoguht about for years. If not how to get and stay high. Also how to get and stay clean.
Dont get it twisted. I am not saying it isnt something I dont need to think about anymore. Or keep maintaining. That would be stupid.
But every waking moment I dont have to live in fear of this addiction.
Its ok to live. Its ok to have bad days. Its ok to get angry sometimes. Its ok to make mistakes.
Just dont use. No matter what.
And the more my thoguhts move toward improving myself in other ways. The more I want to stay clean.
I am not dieing for something to live for anymore.
I am living to live.
And I believe it all lies in the thought process.

Thanks for letting me ramble as usual. With this crazy mess I have in my head.