Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's bad or wrong to talk about things at home... I'm just saying that both of you will most likely have a hard time relating to the other's situation.
Thanks for the explanation, Awake. Honestly, I do understand what you are saying. However, I see a lot of value in trying to understand where people are coming from. Sometimes, I can just imagine what it would be like in their shoes. But a lot of the times, because I haven't been through what they have been through (as you said), I cannot. The trick, for me, is talking about those things so we can both understand where the other is coming from. It doesn't mean we change for the other person (sometimes we do, sometimes we don't, depending on the situation). But it's just sharing, understanding. Compassion, as a form of love, is very important to me. That's where my need to understand the other person comes from. I feel that, knowing that, we can look at his/her boundaries and my boundaries, and figure out a way to make them fit together. I can't do that if the person doesn't open up. Does that make sense?
Question for you... What kind of help are you getting for you? Are you in recovery?
The help I get for me. Good question! I practice yoga (not just the poses, but try to follow the whole lifestyle), meditate, come to SR, talk to my friends. I've been to a couple of Alanon meetings, but it's hard to make the time for everything. So my helping myself involves thinking about my needs, my wants, my priorities and my boundaries, and seeing how they fit with other people's. Sometimes they do, and most of the time they don't. So that's when prioritizing comes in: some things are more important that others.
Although his addiction has added some problems, maybe it's also just part of who he is and who you are? If anyone is not honest with me or omits things I think are important, I feel threatened and they don't even have to be an addict...it's just because that is something very important to me.
Don't know if this made sense or helped, but I hope it did.
Thanks to you too, Impurrfect! I definitely think his addiction and mine are part of who we are. We were meant to go through this, and I am grateful for it because it forces us to really think about our goals, our needs, our boundaries. Most people just let life live them, instead of the other way around. I am immensely grateful that I have to go through this because it forces me to be present and be conscious of my decisions every step of the way.
I also feel that I was meant to go through this with him because we complement each other so well, in good and bad ways. This forces us to take inventory all the time, and call each other out on our respective issues/faults as well as our positive traits.
Recovery is a tough path to follow, but it's very rewarding and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be the person I am without it.
As for other people lying, I'm with you on that. I have to stop taking it personally, because I tend to feel that they don't tell me the truth because they fear some sort of consequences from me. But this also means I need to stop imposing consequences, and start detaching.
I don't know how to trust people fully again once they lied to me though. That's what I'm trying to figure out with my RABF. I think trust and honesty are intricately connected to faith, and are therefore very important to have in my life in order to feel living is worth everything we go through.