((((Kat)))
Welcome to SR!
I remember feeling what you're feeling. I was actually tired of the using life (crack was my DOC), but I just didn't know if I had it in me to get clean.
I was angry...mostly at myself because I had really screwed up and I have a LOT of consequences because of it. I was also angry because I couldn't use...not even "occasionally"....it may BEGIN occasionally, but it rapidly progresses.
I promised myself that I would put everything I had into recovery for one year. If it wasn't worth it, crack would still be there. It didn't happen immediately, but it didn't take long to realize life was so much better in recovery.
SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery. I've met some wonderful friends here, and I haven't had a single situation come up that my friends haven't helped me through.
When we put as much energy into recovery, as we did into getting and using drugs, it's amazing what we can accomplish.
I have almost 17 months clean. I'm still dealing with legal/financial/job consequences. But, my worst day clean is so much better than my "best" day using.
Give it a chance...you really are worth it! And stick around SR...you'll find a ton of support!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy