I so understand what you are saying. I was married to a man whom lied and cheated for 7 years. I also fought for this marriage until I got so low that I asked God to get involved and show me what to do. It was later that very day I got the proof I needed to end it once and for all. That was in September 2005! I was overcome with a calm I had never known before. I spent the next year and 1/2 alone reading everything I could find of interest in the self help section of Borders Bookstore. The book that changed my life was Emotional Unavailability. It was in reading about all of the different types I found (to my shock and amazement) myself described in the last chapter!!!!! I could no longer deny it was me that was emotionally unavailable!!! My chin dropped and then I finally understood! This new self awareness has allowed me to drop my shield and find true love! He is in recovery for alcoholism and celebrated 2 years in march 08. He too spent 2005 in self discovery in AA. I now feel honored to witness the incredible miracles AA facilitates every single day. Wow! Who would have ever thought it? I wish you peace and hope in your struggles;-)