So my wife finally…
… said something about my drinking.
We had been away for the weekend and I finished a liter of scotch and 10 beers in 2 days. We we’re home on the couch and she casually mentioned that I should cut down on my drinking. I tensed up and immediately went into ‘dangerous territory’ mode. I agreed with her and we spoke about it for a few minutes. She, basically saying it was ok for me to ‘have a few’ but the amount I was drinking was unhealthy, and me, agreeing completely but anxious to end the conversation.
We have spoken about it in the past. A couple of years ago I tried to open a dialogue about how I didn’t seem to be able to drink like other people. How it was all or nothing for me, and always had been since I started drinking as a teenager. It didn’t go so well. She became upset and basically said I wasn’t really trying.
I didn’t bring it up again for awhile until I secretly began to attend a few AA meetings. I didn’t choose the best way to reintroduce the topic; I casually announced that I’d been to an AA meeting during my lunch hour. She got quite upset this time and we had an argument. Basically I think she was afraid of me being an alcoholic, and all the stigmatism that come with it. Also her mother is an in-denial alcoholic and quote:
“I don’t need an alcoholic husband as well”.
I did go to a few more meetings but was still drinking 5 days out of 7. Then I got a new 'work from home' job and basically slipped back into nightly drunkenness for 18 months.
Last Nov I finally gave up my 15 year pot habit. My wife used to smoke with me daily but could stop at will. I was able to make her understand that one smoke for me would mean buying an ounce, and she was very supportive and proud of me quitting.
At the same time I began to try and reduce my alcohol intake; however I didn’t mention it to my wife. I came back to SR and started posting again, I started keeping a daily record of the amount of drinks I had or didn’t have each day, and I made drinking the main focus of my therapy sessions.
Which brings me to the present (thanks for sticking with me) I have been making good progress with my drinking. I’m still in the 3-5 days then relapse faze; but I’ve stopped the shame cycle and have been really focusing on recovery. Now that my wife has expressed concern, part of me wants to let it all out and have ‘the conversation’ with her. However, due to her previous reactions, I’m scared to do that as I don’t know how she would react to me slipping and having a ‘day 1’ again.
The 1 day at a time mantra has been so helpful for me but I’m terrified that talking with my wife will mean no more ever or else… and that scares the be-Jesus out of me.