Taking it in stride
Boy, where to start...
I know that emotional roller coasters are a natural part of recovery; I've been through on several occasions. However, this time around there is a difference: whereas before I always harboured the knowledge that I'd drink again at some point, this time around something within me tells me that I'm done for good. I've been booze-free for three weeks, and I'm mystified because I haven't had one single craving since my last drink. That's one big blessing, and I feel grateful.
However, I also feel like my heart has just been ripped out. Last week I experienced an uncontrollable surge of anger. Along with the lingering anger, this week's surprise is a hollow, grieving sadness that has completely overwhelmed me. I'm trying to avoid thinking about the causes, though several immediately spring to mind. I am allowing myself to just be, cry my heart out when I need to, trying to surrender to these feelings... I'm willing to bear with it, and take it in stride, plunging into these emotions head first. Today I found myself walking down the street, tears streaming down my face, and I didn't care about what other people would think or where the tears were coming from. Because this is me right now, this is where I'm at. So be it.
These emotions are not triggering me. In fact, the idea of drinking makes me cringe. I have two other blessings:
. Feeling stuff makes me realize my humanity; not long ago, I was a numb drunk zombie. Now there is a spark.
. The comfort you guys have given me is boundless and means the world to me. I can't convey the gratitude I feel, and I'm humbled to receive it.
Happier times will come, I'm sure. In fact, in a way I'm enjoy what's going on within me now. I'm sorry if this post sounds clinical and aloof, but I'm emotionally drained - a far cry from my angry tirade, no pun intended. But I just need to keep honesty upfront, and thank you all.
Love you
Blue, sniffly Matt