Hey everybody...thanks so much for your responses. I guess I do have somewhat of a handle on the situation, as far as seeing things for what they really are. I think what bothers me the most is the feeling of powerlessness over the whole thing. I like to think of myself as a bit of a problem solver, and you all know as well as I do that all you EVER do in this situation is try to think of some sort of solution. And you never come up with it...it is SO MADDENING.
I wish sometimes that I didn't have the kind of memory that I do; that I could block out the hurtful and confusing things from my childhood. And from my adulthood for that matter! But the truth is I can't, and it has made me the person I am today. I am not a religious person, but I do thank God every day. I thank him every day that I don't choose to use alcohol when I am faced with problems or difficult situations; and that if anything good has come out of this, it's that I have learned SO much from these people. I've learned what not to do. It's funny, too how that gets turned around by them to be a bad thing: who do you think you are? How dare you judge me? What about YOU? And I say, yeah? What about ME?! What have you got to say about ME? Go screw!!! You got nothing to say! It's always misconstrued and twisted around so that you look like you're trying to be high and mighty. It kills me. It's laughable at this point. Any insults or BS that gets thrown at me now is almost always met with a chuckle. I just say, you know what? You are TOTALLY GRASPING HERE. GIVE IT UP, WILL YA? Get that proverbial finger OUT of my face and try pointing it at yourself you big dumb jerk.
I don't know...I'm tired and I'm bummed that we can't just have a NORMAL conversation. A NORMAL relationship. That I get nervous or edgy when I know I'm going to see one of them. I remember as kid, walking home from school and wondering how it was going to be when I got there. I would think of leaving a note or something for my parents in the morning before I left: "Please don't drink today". I never actually left the note. I was chicken I guess. I think the feeling that I get now when I know I'm going to see one of them comes from that. How's it going to be? Are they going to be *********? Are they going to be totally out of control? Are they going to be happy as a pig in s*it one minute, and then the next minute turn on me? How am I going to handle it? And most of all, I am so sick of you f*cking people putting me in this position! Goddamn you! The resentment, the sadness, the anger and confusion...just overwhelming sometimes. Oh and one more thing while I'm at it
: don't you just love it when time and time AND TIME again you, what's happening in YOUR life, in your head, anything having to do with YOU, is completely and totally ignored? It's NON-EXISTENT? Don't you just love it? Their heads are SO FAR up their you-know-what's it boggles the mind. OK I am a reasonable person, I basically know the reason behind their behavior, but dammit, sometimes we just gotta bitch, you know?!?!
Let me apologize if I've offended anyone with my language...that's just me. Please don't mind it...I think you get the point past the swears anyway.
As I said before, believe me there's more to come...I feel as if I've found a goldmine here.
I hope you all had a wonderful Easter. Thank you again for your words..keep 'em coming. I know I will.
Take care of yourselves and don't take any crap!
Aim