Thanks very much for your kind words.
Yes Smoke it is amazing that we even briefly buy the crap these guys throw at us. It adds fuel to the angry fire that all this has created inside of me.
I've convinced myself that I've let go/detached. But I don't think I have completely. That's what I'm working on. Something I should point out though, is that in my post I was talking about two different people (2 of my brothers). It's like a double whammy. I love them and they will be my brothers for the rest of my life. So it's like it will never "go away". I am a very forgiving person, and aside from getting help and getting sober, all either of them would have to do is show up at my door. I know this deep down, and so do they. But it would ONLY be after getting help and getting sober. I'm glad B. and I stopped talking in that no more harsh words can be said to further deepen the wounds.
The other brother though...it's like apples and oranges in a lot of ways. He's different. He's sweet, unselfish and a great guy. We are closest in age and I'm afraid that because of alcohol, any hope for a real relationship with him is slim. His alcohol problem has reached a level that I just cannot comprehend. There is no doubt in my mind that he is killing himself. This is killing me. He simply cannot be without alcohol in his system. Aside from lying a lot, his behavior when drinking is annoying at most. BUT he WILL look you straight in the face when totally hammered and tell you he hasn't had ANYTHING to drink. It is truly amazing. I mean, I'm someone who doesn't have a phony bone in her body. It is nearly impossible for me to pretend things are OK when they're not, and it is TOTALLY impossible for me to accept when someone is lying to my face. I cannot take it. I have to leave or whatever to keep from totally freaking out. I'm pretty good at keeping it in check and being understanding. I just get so tired of trying to understand WHY; every word they say or every action they take under the influence has got to be thought about. It has to be analyzed. It's friggin exhausting. You get SO TIRED of dealing with it. The lies, the nonsense, the repeating, the inability to remember pretty much everything. This happens with them, and with my mom. With my mom it's mostly the forgetfulness and repetitive crap. I love her but it's like because of the booze, she has no clue about me or my life. I tell her things, but of course I end up having to tell her at least 2 more times and I just end up irritated. Everyone needs family, you know? At least I do. It's like my illusion (or should I say delusion) of "family" is totally crumbling.
Wow I'm a real ray of sunshine aren't I. I must say though that this is awesome. I'm telling you (or warning you?!) now that there is more to come...the floodgates are open!
Thanks again