Aim

I "stumbled" upon this site about two days ago, while searching for help for my brother. Although I've never attended an Al-Anon meeting, I've always been curious about what it could do for me. This site and its posts give me somewhat of an idea.
Smoke, I have to tell you that your words are (already) invaluable to me. I always knew that there were other people who could relate/understand what I've been through, but I've never found them. This site has helped me to start to sort out my feelings about my experiences with alcoholic family members.
I know I'm not telling any of you anything you probably don't already know, but I'm going to vent anyway. I'm not going to go totally into all the details of the crap that alcohol has caused in my life; I am however going to say that right now, I am angry, sad, guilty, angry, sad, and did I mention angry? I have to tell myself every time that it's the alcohol talking, that just about everything that the alcoholics in my life have said to me have been the alcohol talking. I'm to the point now where I feel so pissed off, and grapple every day with the question of who the hell these people think they are. BUT, it's the alcohol, right?! I am the type of person who believes that you should take responsibility for your actions; that, if needed, a little (or a lot of) help can get you back on track. I've always had faith and made no secret about it to the A's in my life. The things that I've been accused of, though: Being judgemental. Being a "user and abuser" (whatever the hell that means...). Basically being a piece of ****. Having insults hurled and screamed at me just to take the focus off of the actual problem. One of my brothers and I are not even speaking at this point. We were very close. After 3 years of watching him turn into a completely different person and pretending like everything is ok out of fear of him turning on me and what it would do to our relationship, it finally came to a head. I told him I didn't want to hear the SAME OLD STORY YET again. And again and again. I asked him how long this was going to go on. He's got excuse after excuse, and is running out of people to cry to. I was the most recent off the list. After finally telling him how I feel, he resorted to screaming the most hurtful, terrible, harsh words at me. I've heard through the grapevine since then that he feels I am no longer his sister, and I never will be again. The alcohol talking again, right?!?!?! I know him like the back of my hand; I know the reason he feels this way is he thinks I've given up on him. This couldn't be further from the truth. I just couldn't take his **** anymore and went off on him. It was a long time coming. I have to admit it felt really good. Part of me doesn't mind not talking to him right now. It's like a big load off.
I marvel at his and other alcoholics' ability to turn the tables (or to try to anyway). It gets to the point that they will go to any length, it doesn't matter, to deny their problem. No one is immune to it. It's everyone else's fault. Everyone hates me. Everyone's screwing me over. Screw everybody. Poor me. I HATE IT!!! And all this with my brother is just the tip of the iceberg. It's come from my parents, stepdad and two other brothers. Your garden variety. Believe me I could go on and on. It's like I'm just now realizing the effects that it's had on my entire life. I feel like I practically understand it a professional level, yet I still don't understand it at all...all at the same time.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I REALLY needed to vent to people who will know what I'm saying. I can talk to my friends about it but hey...you know as well as I do that unless you've been through it you won't fully "get it". People are very well-intentioned, but it's hard to understand the vicious cycle of an addict's life and what it does to the people who care about him/her, unless they've experienced it. Actually I prefer that not many people I know understand what I'm saying, because I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Sorry for the novel...hope I didn't bore anyone too much. If you guys have any comments or whatever, please feel free. Take it easy.