Well I wanted to give everyone an update. My AH stayed sober for about 30 days with one major slip up.
I though the therapy and Campral were going to be the answer to my prayers to end all the madness that has surrounded my life recently.
But tonight my AH is passed out drunk on the couch. It turns out he stole $10 from his sister to go out and buy himself a few small bottles of cheap vodka.
I am totally disgusted. I had no desire to be around him. She asked me to come pick him up from his mothers house, and I declined - I said I had plans and he got himself there he could find his way home (although I would have loved to be alone and have the night to myself)
Anyway, I got upset because I thought we finally found our way, only to learn he is stealing money and drinking yet again.
I got up and left the house before he came home. Got a haircut a pedicure and a manicure. It made me feel better, but now I look like the bad guy because I refused to pick him up and bring him home safe and sound.
I am assuming my sister in law brought him home, but I don't really know. I know that tomorow I will deal with how sorry he is and how depressed he is and how he wants to stop but can't make it on his own and how he needs me.
I thought the outpatient program might help. But I think he needs full blown rehab. He had a hard childhood growing up with an alcoholic father who basically ignored him his whole life when he was not beating on the poor kid. So many emtoions he has that he can't let go of. He needs to heal his heart to help heal his addicition and no amount of medication or antidepressents and therapy are going to do that. He needs to go to rehab.
Do I just live with this until he decides if he ever does decide? I was thinking of having an intervention but my family is really not aware of his problem and how out of control it really is. they would be devastated to learn this as they think he is fantastic and so together.
I feel such shame still. I want to tell them so badly but all I think about is the $100,000 they spent on our wedding. It was a dream wedding but the marriage is a total nightmare. I feel like I wasted their money. Because I went into this marriage knowing - FULLY knowing he was an alcohlic. He did have longs periods of sobriety but still an alcoholic.
I know they would feel I am more important and my well being is more important then the money they spent on the wedding, but I wish I just knew why I moved forward with the wedding knowing what I knew.
Sometimes I make myself crazy because I think to much.
I am so tired of being isolated from people and breaking plans at the last minute becuase of his addiction. I want peace but am to afraid to move forward and make a peaceful life for myself.
It is so easy to give advise to others on this board, but I can't take my own advise and for that I am truly ashamed.
I love him, but i want peace.
He was fantastic over the weekend with what happened to my father and the accident. He was totally there for me and my family, but it was very short lived.
He is a good man, but also a manipulative alcoholic. I don't believe anything he says anymore and that upsets him. But to me the actions now speak so much louder then all the words that come out of his mouth.
I know I will feel much better after venting all this - that god for this place - it does help me heal and I am so much better off then I was before because of changes I made with myself, but I want more and I want it faster, but my heart is not allowing it.
