Hi and welcome to SR
I can relate to what you are saying..... and how you are feeling is no surprise.
About having to look over your shoulder your whole life... I don't know... that is a choice regardless right?
Is your abf seeking help? In a treatment or recovery plan?
I recommend that you think of some short term things right now... like what are your boundaries? What happens if he picks up again and is in active addiction then what?
When I had just found out I too was going through all of the emotions from angry to sad to compassion to angry to sad.. it was changing throughout the day sometimes. It was madness.
SO... anywho.... I relate and I can tell you it's not going to be easy.... but so far I find recovery much kinder than addiction......
((((hugs)))) xxoox