Hi Nibaini,
I did read your whole message above. I have been in and out of recovery over the years and think you are right that it does get harder each time to get through it. On the other hand, the stuff that you have learnt in the past will still be with you so you have more tools now.
There were many times when i was reading your message when i thought that you put into words things that i have never been able to verbalise. Thanks for sharing your story.
Warm wishes and Welcome,
Evanna.