I don't have the answers but I am terrified I too will be asking these questions myself going forward. My husband comes home from rehab next week and will be starting his 90 meetings in 90 days, etc. I have already experienced the 'dry drunk' stuff which made me feel more hopeless than I had in a long time. My husband's psychological overhaul has left him quite raw and he is not able to numb himself as he once did. I am often the recipient of his emotional dumpings - how lucky for me.
I intend to stick with Al Anon and my affirmations and prayer. He has gotten me through this far and I am grateful. It seems tricky, the whole loving detachment thing, but I know it works. Usually, my hubby seems to pull himself out of his pout but it takes longer than it might for others. He is still getting to know himself and he doesn't always like what he finds. But it's progress - those funky moods and sad days are part of the healing, I guess. Only you will know when or if enough is enough for you.