sct

Today I’m grateful for the opportunity to be self loathing. I think a lot of people forget to be grateful for the challenges, the struggles, the ‘negatives’ in their lives. I know, when I was using, I didn’t have a sense of self, nor the presence of mind to be disgusted with myself when I was acting like an *******.

I listened to a speaker today, who said that ‘Success is having what you want, and happiness is wanting what you have.’ And that’s a pretty good definition for gratitude as well. I guess it requires two things, being aware of what it is you really have, and remembering to be glad for it. If I can be self loathing- it means I have a self to loathe. It means I’ve gotten to know myself well enough to see flaws and areas for improvement. And if I’m not seeing myself clearly, it still means that I have the ability to feel anything at all, and I’m alive, and awake, and being given the opportunity to change something in me to help me grow.

It’s easy to be grateful for the usual things I think. For people who love me, for a roof over my head, for food in my fridge… but I’m also grateful for my pains. I’m grateful for the clicks and noises in my joints, because they’re evidence that I’m alive. Evidence that I can move, and have the presence of mind to recognize pain, rather than being numb. I have proof that I have survived my life thus far. Those clicks and soreness are my evidence that I have been through hell, and I don’t need to go back to that hell. They’re the evidence of my active addiction and a constant reminder to be thankful that I’m no longer putting myself into those kinds of situations. They’re a reminder that I’m safer now than I have been ever before in my life, and for that I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for emotional pain, because I know that in the future I’ll be feeling the same height of joy. It may not be today, but I’m learning that there’s a balance in the world. That God does not take without giving, and even if what’s happening isn’t in line with my plan, it is in line with His plan. If **** sucks and it hurts, I’m grateful to be aware enough to feel that I deserve better, as evidence of any kind of self esteem. If I felt I could not do better I would never have motivation to grow, and change. If pain is motivation to change, it’s only because we hurt because we want something better. That pain is the absence of despair.