News of possible cirrhosis
Sometimes, when I'm struggling to make a difficult decision, I ask myself what decision I would make if the same situation were present but I was also in the middle of a major hurricane or other huge natural disaster. Would I still be concerned about this issue if everything else I cared about in the world had just been spewed over by a raging volcano? More than once, thinking this way has helped me to put things into their proper perspective.
In my current state of trying to understand where my life is going, and wondering if I should leave my longterm relationship with my alcoholic partner, I've found myself thinking about my usual tactic of imagining myself in the middle of a horrible natural disaster, and wondering whether I'd find my current problems so huge in my life. I hope that all makes sense.
Anyway, my AP has had a problem for the last ten days or so with extremely swollen feet. She's never had this happen before. When she went to see her GP yesterday, the swelling had extended up to her knees. The GP sent her to the lab for bloodwork, then called today and left voice mail saying that the liver levels were abnormal and she's setting up an appointment for a liver scan to determine if this is early cirrhosis.
Is it terrible of me to hope for early cirrhosis? I'm feeling like a very bad person today, thinking this way. For many years, my AP has gone at least twice a year for liver bloodwork. She's always said that she's hoping for news of liver damage, as she thinks that's the only thing that will make her stop drinking.
At this point, I'm thinking that if she gets news that her liver is finally showing signs of damage from all this drinking, that she will either begin her recovery, or else she will be giving me the last straw I've needed to tell her I'm leaving. I think that knowing she has cirrhosis and continues to drink would put me over the edge.
Still, how dumb we both are waiting for medical proof of damage when we both know she's slowly killing herself without needing proof of it! And, if we get bad news will I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane and I just need to hide out? Oh, my, I'm having trouble concentrating on my work today!