You make perfect sense Sg. I've been around, In, out, messing about and occasionally working my program for about 12 years now. When I first came to AA I neatly evaded the subject of God. I was a very frieghtened immature 32 year old man. After a couple of slips and when I got a sponsor who took me through the steps, I changed. I believed and the fear left me along with the onsession to drink. I stayed sober for 1.5 years (The best year and a half of my life). But - Along the way I drifted from my program, I failed to progress spiritually, I rested on my laurels. I got to the point where the world was becoming more important to me than sobriety. i had even stopped going to meetings and phoning my sponsor but I was convinced I was alright because I'd done the steps, found myself, had no fear and prayed to the God of my understanding. Money, property, prestige and romance had taken over which would have been fine, had I put spiritual progress ahead of all those things. So I got sicker and sicker. An opportunity came up at work where I was asked to go to Poland for two weeks. I accepted knowing that the routine was Site from 9 to 5 back to the hotel for a fews beers then a meal, more beers before bed.
The week before I was due to go I decided I'd better just be sure I will be ok drinking now over here. I would not want things to get out of hand in a foriegn country and not get back. So I set out my experiment with the first drink. I had a few beers the weekend before. The experiment went so well and I didn't drink for the rest of the week. It had taken me years to stop drinking but within a few hours I was now convinced that with the steps and God on my side, I could drink like a gentleman.
I nearly missed the early flight to Poland because I got drunk in the Aiport hotel the night before. That didn't register. I got drunk everyday after work in Poland, stayed sober on the flight back and didn't drink when I got home. Still convinced I was now ok. I still prayed in the morning which went something like this - God please help me to stay sober but if I am to drink, please keep me sane. Sane?
For a couple of weeks all was ok. I stayed sober at home but was drunk when I was away on business. Then one day - It bit my ass. I got drunk in my home town when i taken a day off work. I woke the next day in a strange hotel in a strange town. I had lost my work mobile phone and should have been at work 2 hours ago. Hell, now what. A few more drinks, southern comfort. I was off sick for 5 months then lost the job. I split with my partner and sold the house. It took another 6 months to blow the £20,000 from the house sale and I ended up broke and in rehab.
Where did the relapse start and where did the relapse end? The relapse started when I disconected with my spiritual program and all the things that go with it. The whole of the program - Surrender, Acceptance, inventory, spiritual progress and working with others. It's a kit of tools and one by one I dropped them. This is relapse. The relapse ended when I took the first drink.
I've managed 9 months, 6 months, 1 month, 2 weeks and less ever since then. I do keep trying to pick up the tools again and when I do I have a good day. I'm not giving up.
God bless you all and thanks for starting this thread Sg