Hi, and welcome !
Sorry if I'm just repeating others, but advice from al-anon is that while you think you are helping him and being supportive.....you're actually codependant which is a form of controling someone.
I didn't see it as controling until I understood that each time you help them with any consequence of their drinking, you are taking some of the responsibility for their behavior AWAY from them.
The alcoholic, or really Any person who abuses alcohol on only an occasional basis, Must be forced to experience and deal with 100% of the consequences of their drinking, Alone.
They made the decision to drink and they must deal with the results Alone.
This also means you have to tell them if they get a DUI, that they cannot call you and you cannot help them with the financial part of that either.
The weight of the results of their drinking must fall on them only.
Helping is enabling.
You try to control them (even tho' you won't consciously think of it as trying to control) when you take away some of the consequences/responsibilities of their drinking.
And don't buy any alcohol specifically For them.
He will continue to LIE to you about the drinking....and then, knowing how easy it is to lie......he very likely will start lying about Other things.
Go and buy the paperback Codependant No More:
Barnes*&*Noble.com - Books: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, Paperback
And give serious thought to leaving him.
He will only stop drinking when he has reason to Alone.
He will not stop for you or anyone else.
Look around this site a lot and read the experiences of those here.
Things like lying thru their teeth about the drinking and thinking nothing of it is universal with anyone who habitually abuses alcohol, or is a full blown alcoholic.
How often do you want to be lied to ?....receive apologies for the lying and the drinking, only to experience being lied to again and again.
The disrespect of being lied to is one of the things I find most infuriating.
And it is a relationship KILLER....It IS how you fall out of love with someone because the disrespect Destroys it....little by little....a slow death.
Disrespect is extremely damaging......and the A will not be Able to react to you when you try to tell them how their drinking affects you.
That doesn't work.....it just tells the alcoholic that they have control over you if their own behavior dictates how you conduct your life.
You don't want that and they do Not deserve that power !
FYI: Ultimatums rarely work.
Altho' you can lay down your own laws re: the drinking, such as "If you get a PI or DUI, don't call me, I'm not helping you with that."
You must not help them pay for the financial consequences either !
Or, after you start feeling you can't "live like this anymore"....you can't say "If I catch you drinking here again, I'm moving out" (or he's moving out, which is harder to achieve) as any kind of idle threat...
You have to act on your words.
There is no room for empty threats !
You have to mean it and follow thru !
Please go online and look for an al-anon meeting near you and go check it out. Al-anon is for you alone to learn how to let go of reacting and helping them when they drink.....and direct that energy toward you.
I know that flies in the face of what being a couple means......supporting and helping each other.
But....this is different !
When you experience anything bad in your life as a result of someone's substance abuse......
You Draw The Line There.