Originally Posted by Selah

I don't care what people say...I understand co-dependant, I get it that my happiness can't rest on someone else. But mine did and I'll forever cherish that. I'll know that I believed in someone so much that I gave everything, I sacrificed myself in ways I never thought possible because for once in my life I thought someone loved me all the way. In the meantime I've been destroyed and waking up is hard to do. I welcome thoughts of life not being worth it.
It's been two months since I left him, I took so much abuse, mind games, money problems, lies, harassment from other women, from his family...all of it. And I feel like the trash he treated me like. Why can't I separate from these painful feelings and move on. Why do I feel constant guilt like I'm not good enough, why do I want him to hurt like I hurt, why do I want to say mean things to him and tell him how bad he's hurt me, why can't he get better, why can't I feel better, why did it have to be him who showed me love could be real and then relapse into full on cross addiction. I'm so tired, I am literally exhausted. I don't even know why I'm writing this, i read the books, i've gone to the meetings. Nothing changes. I am angry, full of resentment and I know that the person I've become through this whole experience has to be viewed as extremely unattractive. I couldn't even tell my story to a new love...if that's even possible...I'd be too embarassed that I put up with this. That I was weak, that I exploded and said terrible things, reacted that way.
I thought love was supposed to be a great and wonderful thing, how can it turn into such a sick joke?
Do you know I once tried to explain how sick he was to another female...she didn't believe me ( of course the master manipulator was working his magic) do you know I cried for days...I begged this girl to leave us alone, she thought I was the nuts one...I was so tired of being abused and lied about and lied to and the emails from this girl...that I posted her phone number on the internet? Do you know I had to go to court for that? If you knew me you would know I am not that way...that never in my life have i ever been that beat down. Ever felt that helpless, ever felt that I had to finally stick up for myself...I put that phone number up....was feeling revengeful...she would know what it's like to receive those calls...it was only 20 minutes...i went for a run, i started crying bc that just wasn't me. I came home immediately took it down. Weeks later my house was searched and computer comphiscated...just for this. I HAD TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE JUDGE, not her, not him for his drug use...I took the heat. And no one cared why it happened. At this age...probation for a year. Omg I can barely write it. It's so surreal. How ashamed I was...and I had corrected my mistake without even being asked and still I was severly punished. I despise myself as much he despised himself.
I never knew someone elses illness...addiction could make me so insane, so sad, so depressed, so sick, so helpless, so frozen, so dumb, so so so ashamed, so embarassed so unable to do it anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I dont want anymore meetings, I dont want anymore books...I failed. I fell in love with the wrong person, I supported the wrong person, I made the wrong choice. And it'll be years before I am healthy enough to engage in a healthy r/shp again. It's too much...I'm just not up for it. I could never go through this again. I just didnt know...I just didnt...