((((Rivka)))) ..... Nancy Drew or doing the FBI work is a biatch!!!!!! I feel that there is just as much sickness as being a codie as there is being an addict. Except...... we don't get high. It's like they become our fix.
When I was at my witts end with all of the lies... I found SR.... low and behold I could relate to all these stories on here... and didn't feel alone anymore.
Some thing that really hit home and not in a resentful or cruel way, but it really did make sense to me... and it is a known fact. How do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving! How sad is that? How sad that the people we love and WANT to believe.. chances are.... they are not believable.... even when they say all these things with such conviction! No doubt, it's going to make us crazy! That is why detachment is SO important... to love from a distance.... separate ourselves from their reality. Our reality ... in truth.. is our safe place and is all we can nurture. We can't nurture an addict back to health or make them become honest... we can only protect ourselves by being honest with ourselves. It's so easy to lose ourselves into them. The thing is though.... is that when they are in the addict mindset..... for our sanity we have to have this go across our mental billboard: :codiepolice
I found that when I snooped ... I would feel so damn guilty about it... that I would not even know how to be that upset with him because my physical sensations were showing me how upset I was with myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Addiction IS a family disease. When we take the focus off of them and put it on us and recognize just what it is doing to us... that things truly do change. They change for everyone! There is this dance, but when we begin our own recovery.... it's as if the needle on the record does this scratch along the record..... and the addict especially... is not able to keep going. We have to hit our own bottom in order to start the process... or maybe even fake it til' we make it.
My bottom was the snooping... and the not trusting. Which is why last night was so hard for me because that bottom came all too quickly again for me!
I'm sorry... I'm probably all over the place... I drank way too much coffee too late in the evening... and I'm having trouble staying asleep..... don't even know if I really even have fallen asleep. <yawn> ... well that's a good sign! I am mentally much better tonight than I was last night. There was a really incredible woman that used to post here... I quote her in my signature.... and she used to acknowledge how long her internal battles lasted..... and I too started to do the same thing. I can't tell you how much it helped me! There are these little tricks we can play on ourselves *in a good way* to keep us inline and focused on our own recovery! It's brilliant!
Hope you hear from your abf and how he is doing, although, I hope that you more so are thinking of things that you can for YOU and how you can make your life for YOU.... sometimes it takes a day at a time and sometimes it's hour by hour or even minute by minute..... to get through it.... this too shall pass.
xoxo