Originally Posted by
lightseeker 
Abundance -
so glad for the update and it sounds like you handled everything really well. Early recovery brings with it a lot of false starts and ups and downs - yours and his. You are so right on focusing on your own recovery. It really helped me to make a promise to myself that I couldn't say anything to him about recovery unless I held myself to the exact standards that I wished for him. So far, I've not been able to say very much because I'm pretty busy on me. RAH has NEVER even come close to what I would have wished but for the most part I've been able to stand by my decision not to say anything to him.
My boys were the same ages as yours when RAH enterred my life and got sober. I pretended to myself that they were not impacted but they have been, in major ways. Primarily, I haven't been the mother tht they deserved because I was either wrapped up in supporting him or emotionally unavailbe due to issues with him.. They are used to my tears and unhappiness - that is what they have adjusted to. You can't fool kids with putting on the happy face. They know deep down what is going on. I so wish that I had been able to make better choices but I honestly did the best that I could do at the time. Please don't think that I am here trying to say to make choices any way or another. All I'm saying is that even if I had chosen exactly the same path with my husband I do wish that I had 100% put the boys' needs ahead of what I wanted. That might have led me to taking better care of myself sooner than I did.
It is definitely do-able but it really does take an extremely strong commitment to yourself. Although it's not awesome that your SO went to a bar it is awesome that he left and went to his meeting and shared. The ESH that he got was right on target. My husband's relapse counselor said that those with family support do have a better shot at recovery. But that the support that they received is earned by doing the next right thing. I can't say that any lies are ok with me - they aren't. But I also understand that my husband has a long long history of manipulating the truth and baiting people. These are old behaviors that don't stop just because he has stopped the drugs. I know that lying makes me livid so I am slowly learning to detach until I am calm enough to deal with it. BTW - I still am hurt and angry from the lie last night (even though he did apologize). Still taking care of me and doing what I need to do to feel better. His sleeping in and running out of time to go and get my ice and pain meds this morning before he left the house isn't helping though.
In a way this was a good experience for you to go through because it has redirected you back to your own program. It's funny how all these bad things end up being a good thing. He has some new tools and he knows that he can go into a bar (bad decision) and leave (good decision). It's all a learning experience.
Wheeew - you went through a whole lot in the last 24 hours. Take good care of yourself and those boys. The rest will fall into place. I completely believe that. I hear a wonderful, kind, loving, strong spirit in your posts.
(((((HUGS)))) Thank you so much for writing all of that out! I can't tell you just how much of an inspiration you are to me! I have shared your wisdom and esh with folks at al-anon meetings.... so it's like you are with me
What I bolded are things that really hit home with me and I want you to know just how much I appreciate what you say!!!!
More than ANYTHING that I have ever wanted in life was to be a mother! Thirteen years ago I married a man who definitely WAS my child! He too was an opiate addict. It was then that I learned about my issue with co-dependence. I am definitely the "care taker" amongst the siblings of my family.... and the dynamics are very interesting (especially with my mom and I's relationship).... as I rekindle the codie recovery flame! When I met my guy... I was very careful about just what I was feeling and I was fearful that I was falling back into my codie ways with another closet drug user. He denied that he was one.... and I BELIEVED HIM! Grant it.... he was more recreational at that time and obviously in denial as well. The difference though is that he is taking this 100 times more serious than my exah..... and you know what? I am too! I've btdt... and I don't know if it's because I'm older.... (not 22)... or what? But this is serious and I want to do not just right by me, but right by my dear boys. They are the light of my life and every day I am grateful to have them! The three of us build our lives on the energy and closeness factor... and while they are young ... I do still have control in the sense that I can keep us connected. This weekend they are going on a meditation retreat via vipassana meditation... and as soon as they are teenagers and able to sit a 10 day noble silence course... I will sit beside them!
LS... not only do I feel that recovery is important to me and my relationship.... I feel that this also builds the foundation for me to cope with when my boys are older and they start down their own paths as adults.... at least that is something I tell myself! I don't think it can hurt things...... thats for sure!
I totally get about what you are saying in regards to commenting on your husband's recovery unless you are keeping to your recovery..... meanwhile while you are doing so..... you don't have to say anything to him anyway! That is exactly what I have learned via Vipassana... if we are happy within ourselves....... it does not matter what everyone else is doing! Too often when we find ourselves unhappy with another, it's because we are unhappy with ourselves! That is really so key!
Last night's episode definitely got me back more so into my recovery... and it IS all a learning experience! I spent today with one of my guy's gal pals from rehab...... I drove her out to her old residence to get some of her things... kind of like a chaperone.... and it was good conversation and great to get things out. Also, I did attend another al-anon meeting and got a sponsor to work the steps with!
Spoke to my guy tonight and he did a meeting today and went to IOP... he said that he is feeling a lot better and is relieved to know that it DOES pass.... and will come up again... but the great news... is that if you stay with the program....... you get through it!! Now THAT is golden!!!!
Oh.... also... what I learned at a family lecture.... was that the children DO internalize and know the difference.... but when externally we or I are telling them differently to what they are feeling.... it's when they get so confused and their worlds collide. I am conscious of that.... and will do everything in my power to not allow that to happen. It is a tremendous worry for me.
Thank you also for saying what you said at the end there..... that really meant a lot to me and I want to thank you..... it feels good to be told those things......
xoxoxo