Abundance -
so glad for the update and it sounds like you handled everything really well. Early recovery brings with it a lot of false starts and ups and downs - yours and his. You are so right on focusing on your own recovery. It really helped me to make a promise to myself that I couldn't say anything to him about recovery unless I held myself to the exact standards that I wished for him. So far, I've not been able to say very much because I'm pretty busy on me. RAH has NEVER even come close to what I would have wished but for the most part I've been able to stand by my decision not to say anything to him.
My boys were the same ages as yours when RAH enterred my life and got sober. I pretended to myself that they were not impacted but they have been, in major ways. Primarily, I haven't been the mother tht they deserved because I was either wrapped up in supporting him or emotionally unavailbe due to issues with him.. They are used to my tears and unhappiness - that is what they have adjusted to. You can't fool kids with putting on the happy face. They know deep down what is going on. I so wish that I had been able to make better choices but I honestly did the best that I could do at the time. Please don't think that I am here trying to say to make choices any way or another. All I'm saying is that even if I had chosen exactly the same path with my husband I do wish that I had 100% put the boys' needs ahead of what I wanted. That might have led me to taking better care of myself sooner than I did.
It is definitely do-able but it really does take an extremely strong commitment to yourself. Although it's not awesome that your SO went to a bar it is awesome that he left and went to his meeting and shared. The ESH that he got was right on target. My husband's relapse counselor said that those with family support do have a better shot at recovery. But that the support that they received is earned by doing the next right thing. I can't say that any lies are ok with me - they aren't. But I also understand that my husband has a long long history of manipulating the truth and baiting people. These are old behaviors that don't stop just because he has stopped the drugs. I know that lying makes me livid so I am slowly learning to detach until I am calm enough to deal with it. BTW - I still am hurt and angry from the lie last night (even though he did apologize). Still taking care of me and doing what I need to do to feel better. His sleeping in and running out of time to go and get my ice and pain meds this morning before he left the house isn't helping though.
In a way this was a good experience for you to go through because it has redirected you back to your own program. It's funny how all these bad things end up being a good thing. He has some new tools and he knows that he can go into a bar (bad decision) and leave (good decision). It's all a learning experience.
Wheeew - you went through a whole lot in the last 24 hours. Take good care of yourself and those boys. The rest will fall into place. I completely believe that. I hear a wonderful, kind, loving, strong spirit in your posts.