Hi Greg. Don't hate yourself. We like you! We like you especially for coming to this forum and being honest and sharing your experience with us.
In my last relapse I HATED drinking. I hardly enjoyed one moment of it. And then the next day was the same thing again: I feel lousy, so I'll do the one thing that I know helps. Even when it was no longer helping!
We get habituated to these things. We don't know what else will help, so we do the same thing. Break that cycle. Get to an AA meeting. Keep coming back to this forum. As for help. That was the hardest thing for me to do, ask for help. When i finally did, I found that it was a wonderful experience.
I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Rock on.