Originally Posted by
LaTeeDa 
I cringe at words like "blame," "fun parent," "perfect dad," "bad guy," etc. It's not us vs. them. Or at least it doesn't have to be. When I separated from my husband, I explained to my children that their father was sick. That he wasn't "bad," he just had an illness that caused him to make poor decisions sometimes. And that until he took the initiative to get himself better, I would be protecting them and myself from the outcome of his poor decisions. I let them know that we both love them, we just can't stay together as husband and wife. That the problems between us are adult problems. Also, something emphasized over and over by our counselor, was to stress to them that NONE OF THIS was their fault. Seems obvious to us adults, but children internalize and blame themselves for everything. It must be stressed continually that they are not to blame, and there is nothing they can do or could have done that would change things. I cannot stress enough how important this is!
L
If it's a game, at least where I'm concerned, it's one that my AH plays. Telling children the truth is what they deserve to hear. My AH is active right now. He somehow makes himself feel better by spending extra time playing with the kids, or being their pal, or otherwise doting on them. That is him playing mental games with himself. I'm not sure what they are exactly, but man, my kids think he's a really fun parent!!! He rarely tells them no, rarely disciplines them, and while I appreciate the fact that he does spend time with them, he's far more interested in drinking than actually teaching them anything (like how to ride a bike, or how to throw a ball, etc.)
I know when I explain to my kids what is going on, I won't bash their dad at all. But the fact that some dad intentionally make themself out to be "disney dads" is very real. My AH did it with my stepdaughters when they were growing up. I remember very well that he'd let them watch "R" rated movies when their mother wouldn't allow it. Boy did that gain their loyalty. I remember one walking in the house for summer vacation and yelling, "Party time!!!!". It's a very real scenario that some people enlist to gain the loyalty of the children.
It's not a war, but the kids need to hear the truth. And I firmly believe in counseling for the kids so that they can reach out to an outside person for clarity.
Think my stepdaughters are close to my AH? Not at all. They are very close with their mother. It backfired on my AH. I know he'd do it again. The first thing he does after we've had an argument is go hug the kids and hang out with them.