(((Maggie)))
Welcome to SR, but sorry for what you are going through.
I am a recovering addict (crack) and can say that I, absolutely, would not have stopped if the consequences of my using hadn't gotten so bad that it wasn't worth it any more. For some of us "bottom" is jail, other's have different bottoms.
I THOUGHT I'd hit my bottom when I was locked up for almost 6 months. 2 years later, I relapsed (I had been clean, but never worked at recovery). My bottom that time? I was totally disgusted with myself, even though my relapse was only 8 days...it was more than enough time to do some serious damage. I felt horrible for what I put my family through, and I detested the way crack took control over me.
We addicts all have our bottoms, but we will only find them when we are forced to deal with our consequences. That's why it causes more damage for anyone to enable us....it just prolongs our addiction.
I can only imagine how hard it is not to know where he is, but keep reading and posting here. Many others have been through it or are still going through it. Try to put your focus back on you. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Having MY family go on with their lives (though I know they worried about me) gave me a good role model. It also made me accept responsibility for my addiction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy