thanks - you're right. i did go to a few alanon meetings a couple years ago; however, i didn't give it enough time. i also think i did not find a group that was well-suited for me.
i wasn't ready to admit ah's drinking was not my fault or responsibility. i'm still not too sure whether my rational mind does believe it, even now because my heart is hurting so badly.
i do think i need to go back and try again, this time with the rationale that i am unable to fix this whole mess.