Least, forgiveness of self comes from HARD WORK on changing our ways. I found a way to do that by working the 12 Steps of AA with a sponsor.
My 'amends' to my family, children and friends, was my staying sober and changing me. As time went on, the barriers slowly came down, and by about 5 years sober most of the fences were mended and our relationship was stronger than it had ever been.
As to forgiving myself, that really happened when I completed the 4th and 5th steps.
I know you have been struggling with sobriety sweetie, but you really need to give those meetings, AND A SPONSOR, a good long try. I can say (I won't guarantee as I don't know how WILLING you are yet) that going to meetings, doing what is suggested, working with a sponsor, slowly making new sober friends) can and will CHANGE your life forever, and it is a POSITIVE change. The obsession to drink will be lifted. Alcohol will no longer be a part of your life, and the guilt will pass.
Wallowing in the guilt is just an EXCUSE TO PICK UP AGAIN. Moving forward in Sobriety, eases and will eventually remove the guilt.
Yes, there are things I did, during my 24 years of actively drinking that I had great guilt and remorse for. Moving forward in sobriety, working the steps, making MY AMENDS, and knowing that there is no way in H*ll that I would do any of those things again, has allowed me and many thousands of others to forgive ourselves.
Making a COMMITMENT to Sobriety and doing EVERYTHING in your power to keep that commitment is the start.
Love and hugs from a very grateful double winner.