hi evan -
sounds to me like there's a decision to be made.
Do you want to be clean?
Or do you just want everyone around you to THINK you're clean?
One is real.
One ... is not.
The decision would have more to do with ...
do I want the rest of my life to be this?
If you decide you just want the trappings ...
then relax - you already are ... all you'll ever be.
I commend anyone with the mental capacity to life a continual lie.
It was lies to others, the world,
and ultimately myself
that destroyed my life .... not the booze or drugs.
That was just literally drowning out the lying voice is all.
But if you decide you want what is real -
in the world, from others, from yourself ...
from life....
and you want what you GIVE to this world to be real...
then ...
*shrug*
kinda answers istelf, don't it?