I totally agree that focusing on you and your recovery is key...I can relate when you say he is not a joiner, as I never thought that I needed to go to Alanon because it is his problem not mine why should I have to sacrifice my time...and also I was not much of a joiner and I was a very personal person, I had no desire to tell a bunch of strangers about my personal issues...well, a friend of mine took me to a Alanon meeting one night, I had no idea what she was doing otherwise I would not have gone(by the way she is in recovery as well, an active AA member) and we went to this Alanon meeting..And it is amazing, I didn't need to share anything all I did was listen and relate...I kept going back.
I also go to open AA meetings and speaker meetings with my husband, and it helped me to understand this disease a lot better...I have been really lucky as my husband was in recovery when I met him and by the grace of god he still is...I have met a lot of wonderful people in the program...and it has helped me tremendously while dealing with my son who is an addict...I thank god everyday for the 12 step programs...I think after he sees how serious you are about recovery he may open up a bit more, just take it a day at a time and things will get better...