Originally Posted by
starflier 
How appropriate is it to set rules in your house knowing perfectly well the rules will be broken and also knowing you're not ready to enforce the consequences yet?
I had someone tell me that I should forbid alcohol in the house, but it's not only my house. And my A doesn't want that rule yet. So, if I set that rule and it gets broken, which I know it will, isn't that just me trying to control everything again? Comments please. Thank you.
Hi Starflier,
You are doing very well in bringing the light to your patterns, and being reasonable and level headed at the same time that you are disturbed. Not easy. at all.
Now, about those boundaries...
Understand, your AP will likely
never approve of or give you permission to have them, especially the alcohol free home.
A boundary is for your health and serenity and is not dependent upon anyone else's agreement.
Another thing about boundaries.....
A rigid boundary is just as unhealthy as a non-boundary.
While you certainly can, and should, ask for an alcohol-free home, the world is pretty alcoholic and we cannot control that. As others have shared, ask into your own heart and mind, what is the goal of your wanting this change and boundary?
Is it because of the anxiety, the chaos, the loneliness you feel as a result of her drunkenness? What about her behaviour towards you when she is not drinking per se, but is between drinking times? Is that
alcoholic behavior (which feeds those feelings
you suffer from) guaranteed to disappear when (IF) the alcohol is removed? Probably not, and if so, probably not forever, or if so, it will be a long journey til they disappear.
What this points to, as you suggested, is removing yourself to a sanctuary type of space for your own peace and health, rather than exerting the efforts to govern (police) the behaviors of your AP.
You said that you know she will never agree to nor abide by your requests and requirements for change, things that are esssential to your own sanity.
If that is the reality, then it may be a wise time to detach yourself and nourish your own strength, clarity, happiness and see where that leads the 2 of you.
good luck, you are worth the best!