I'm sorry it's feeling so difficult for you right now. I'm glad you're still posting here and letting us know how you're doing. I wish I could write more for you tonight, but I just got home from a long day running sound for an early Independence Day fireworks show, and I'm exhausted. I just wanted to let you know someone here cares and is hearing you. I've struggled all week with traumatic stress flashbacks, and I didn't get much sleep last night, laying awake with anxiety. So I'm doubly tired. It was actually helpful that I got to work today with my boss. He always has something to say about nearly everything, so the drive out of town passed quickly. Plus, thunderstorms rolled through once we got there bringing 60MPH wind gusts that picked up vendors' tents like toys and threw them over the fence! The storm made us late and we had to get up the first band in a hurry. There was a good small town turnout, and the excitement and adrenaline of the show completely occupied my mind and seems to have left me feeling pretty centered right now. Our gear is pretty heavy, so I got a nice workout too. Please be patient and loving to yourself. Some part of you seems terrified and afraid, and perhaps you could start by assuring it that you hear it, that you will have its back from this moment on, and you will stop at nothing to insure its safety.