Ras (s= sister, for those who don't know) is currently living at home with mom and dad. She's on first offender probation for her drug charges. Those of you who remember me from before know how much my sister's addiction has traumatized me, not to mention my parents. I thought I had made extraordinary progress on my codie front because I had gotten to the point where I could think about ras for a few moments each day without feeling like my day was ruined. And on top of that, I had somehow managed to convince myself that I could still be close to my parents, which I want desperately. I was able to be, essentially, happy.
And then it started again (or at least I was being given more info than I asked for again...). Mom was trying to convince herself that ras will be okay by insisting to me, every time that we talk, that ras is "doing great." It made me nausious (sp?) to hear this, because something in my gut told me that this was her denial talking. And I got to where I would casually tell her that was good and try to change the subject, only to have her try and shove her comments further in my face. It was upsetting me, but I was trying so hard to be a good daughter that I tried to tolerate it.
Well, we were on the phone yesterday morning, and she let something slip that proved to me that ras is not doing as "great" as she likes to think. And, for that moment, I was angry. I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. So I went into shut down mode and asked her to please quit telling me that ras is "doing great" until she is truly "doing great," that I couldn't take it anymore. I continued, telling her that I would be able to better handle hearing nothing than only hearing the bits and pieces that mom wants me to hear, so that she can paint this to be what she wants it to be. We then got off the phone, because she was at the grocery store.
Of course, she called me back, and this escalated into a huge fight, with her continuing to insist that ras is doing great. I told her that we had varying definitions of "great," then, and that while I was proud of ras for trying, that as long as she is slipping up as often as she is I want no more updates that are so positively misleading. I got hung up on.
And then I got an email. Mom was going on and on about how, again, ras is "doing great." Then she said that she just wanted someone to talk to, and that she wanted to be able to confide in me. But she won't talk about ras anymore if it hurts me.
There was tons of other guilt-inducing jargon there. The thing is, I've told her before that I can't handle being her walking, breathing diary. Her confiding in me was one of the things that drove me to within the edge of my sanity before. And that was ugly. When she was "confiding" in me before, I cried myself to sleep every night because all I could think about was ras. Ras was all she would let me think about. Forget what's going on in my life. Forget that I'm only 25 and still feel like I need my mom for certain emotional things. No, we're right back to where I'm the evil one because I'm trying to protect myself and my peace of mind.
Gosh, I feel so selfish saying all of this... but at the same time, is it fair that I should feel so guilty for trying to keep my priorities in line?
Who knows, maybe I just need a good, swift whack on the head...
