Thanks Toughchoices!
I don't want to lose her as a friend at all. Maybe there is something to what you are saying, so I'll explain myself a bit.
When my ex and I were in couples counseling the therapist would obviously listen to us and pick apart what she thought was going on based on our interactions in front of her and what we (well, me) told her about. One of the biggest triggers for me was the whole "owning" thing I'm talking about in my post. It happened A LOT! Anyway, despite the other things going on, we were able to hash out the owning stuff but in less than fun moments (like arguing about social drinking) it would come out again. It just became a bigger trigger for me.
My friend is very intelligent and thoughtful, however, I can't seem to get her to understand why this stuff upsets me. I've sat down and talked to her calmly about it, written emails about it, yelled at her about it, you name it, I've presented it that way. She has said that she doesn't understand how changing the way she speaks to me makes any difference. In a way, I can't really expect it to sink in overnight as she's never been to couples counseling, but I'm exhausted from trying to get her to understand.
I admit I have often taken the hard-line approach to things and, you are right, it often doesn't help but I can't think of any other way to get my message across. At this point it just feels like I can either continue to have my boundaries crossed, or I can stay away and save myself the trouble of being "owned." Right now, I can't think of another way to do this other than maybe say...If you own me in an argument, I will hang up, leave, etc. and when you can have a conversation with me without owning me I'm willing to talk.
Boy, this recovery stuff can be confusing!