I wish I had an answer for you. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You're only human and you're not perfect. Of course you're going to get angry and say things. How could you not, you do have feelings and emotions. I know in Al-anon they teach you about detachment but how do you really detach yourself from someone for 1. you live with, 2. you love and love in return, and 3. They are contstantly around shooving their alcoholic behavior and drinking in your face?
I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? I've only been to two meetings but I already feel as though its helping me. I don't live with my husband anymore but when I did I can honestly say I reacted to his drunken stuper in the same way. Even though I knew talking and screaming at someone who is drunk does absolutely no good I still did it anyway because I guess in someway made me feel better. If that makes any sense.
I am very proud of you and you should be also. Atleast you are aware of your obsession with the alcoholic and know that you need and want to change your behavior because you can't ever count on him or expect him to change will he's still actively drinking. According to the "A" they do no wrong and will always put blame on everyone else, never themselves.
Take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Galnva