just woke up...wanting to use
I just woke up and was irratated and then left the room and came back and found myself feeling lonely and bored and wanting to use.
I thought what can I do. then I thought about using. I thought about throwing away my plans for the night and using. I could have kept thinking that way which would have escalated the situation. I came here, not having any other thing to do that I could think of to help, I came here to try and write and to let whatever I am right now just BE. But thinking and planing to use is not what I am ever. I can choose that, but it is now what i am.
I am lonely. I was sensing how alone I will be tonight because I have no real contact planned. I was planning on trying a new meeting or going to yoga, but that's not until 7pm. i leave work in 15 minutes at 2:30. I don't know what I can create that will take away the lonliness. the first solution that comes to mind is to smoke crack or go to the bar and try to strike up some conversation.
but that is not a solution. my mind just presented it to me as a solution. but that will only cover up the pain enought to relieve it for a little bit, but then that same pain of lonliness and a batch of other negative feelings will come back again.
I have nothing to do except be with myself. I sense the wanting to run. I sense the wanting to keep feeling sorry myself until it gets so big that I'll have the reason I want to be able to use.
I feel a little better now, this next moment, but i'm afraid to leave work. I'm afraid to get on the road. I know that even if i walk out of here OK, that I can completely change from OK to 'simply throwing away any chance of me having to feel this uncomfortableness to making the decision to use. then would come excitement, just from making the decision; and that in itself would be relief. I've done that hundreds of times.
but not this time. but I cant fight tyhis. if I fight it then i'll probably use. I've fought it hundreds of times and used each time. I have to be strong enough to do something else. and what other possibility is there?
If I can't fight this urge, and if i am lonely and bored and frustrated and just kind've disgusted with my lilfe in general, then what can i do?
i just gotta be lonely. so ok...I am lonely. i need to be lonely without self pity. i need to be lonely without being attached to it. I need to breathe in the lonliness.
I can call my therapist immediately when I move away from here.
OK...I can do it.....