solost

I attented my first al anon meeting last night. And cried the whole way through. Did I say cry? I meant I wept uncontrollably...and used half a box of tissues during one hour. I don't like to cry. Never have and if I ever found myself with so much pent up emotion that tears were the only release, I'd only cry behind a locked bathroom door. So I was initially horrified last night and embarrassed to lose control so openly and freely in front of perfect strangers.

And then I got to a point when I realized that there was no pity or condemnation in any of the eyes that saw my pain. No one was telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. No one was telling me what was "the right, smart thing to do". There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.

I'm not sure when, but sometime during that meeting those tears that fell were not caused by my sorrow or pain, but out of the freedom I felt at being able to let go. I felt drained when I left, but lighter in spirit. I know it's baby steps. I know when I have to go back to my house on Fri it will be hard. But I'm no longer fighting to save him. I'm fighting to save myself.