cagefree

XABF once advised me that he thought he would make a better parent than myself. That sparked a lot of anger from me considering he was unable to be honest with himself, let alone everyone else, was in serious denial and put alcohol above all else. I thought I would clearly be the best parent, far exceeding anything he could offer. Recently I revisited this thought and I came to the realization that if I had continued to allow myself to come second to alcohol, to allow myself to be in an unhealthy environment, I would not be modeling the life I would want for my children.

I am still working through resentment I have towards my parents for not teaching me things like self worth, being able to validate myself...they taught me how to be a codependent and live my life through others rather than for myself. I was taught it was better to not rock the boat than it was to protect myself. I saw my parents do it every day. I resent them because some people grow up learning these tools and it comes naturally. I never saw it, never experienced it, and at 33 I had to learn how to do something I have never been witness to or had in my life.

Today I try to remind myself that they were not given these tools either by their parents and unknowingly passed down these unhealthy and toxic behaviours and habits. I have accepted that they may never see the nature of their codependency or how it negatively impacted my life growing up. However, I feel that I am breaking the chain of dysfunction by protecting myself, keeping harmful, unhealthy people outside of healthy boundaries I create and if I become a mom someday I want my kids to witness the new tools I am learning and will continue to learn so they will never allow themselves to come second to anyone or anything.