After my last relapse I threw myself back into going to meetings. Even though AA is a deeply religious and spiritual program I have found it to be life-saving for me.
No, I do not have a higher power that is a "thinking" type entity. It does not love me, or hate me. It does not direct my life.
What I have done is become very opened minded to all messages from anyone and any resource. Be it AA, any religion, and any doctor, self-help, study, etc. I take it all in, and use what I need.
The beauty of AA is that it is a group of fellow humans who have gone through the same suffering as me. And we have learned to accept what we are. There is strength, guidance, and the 12-steps are powerful psychological tools to help me recover in my alcoholism.
I no longer worry about tomorrow. (This is the same of turning my life over to a God.) Meaning I can not change the future. I can only accept it. I have an OCD personality, and I realized that if I start thinking the same thing over and over again..I am not helping myself. I have to let it go.
I can not change the past. It is over, and I can only forgive those who harmed me, and who I have harmed. AA helps of find peace in the moment. Forgiveness and peace are powerful tools of recovery. Letting go of blame is the best thing we can do for ourselves, and taking responsibility for the choices we make, starting RIGHT NOW, and moving forward. Letting go of frustration, and anger...can only bring us peace of mind.
Finally when I drink and drug...I begin to isolate myself, and feeling sorry for myself. Attending meetings, going for walks, talking on the phone with family and friends help me be social. And being social is far more fun than being sad and alone. Humor, warmth, and compassion keep me coming back.
I'll never be a hard-core AAer, but I certainly love the groups because the people offer me hope, love, and inspiration. We are all connected through this strange bond.
My higher power is our universe. It is alive. It is something that is bigger than me. I can't explain it. And I can't predict the future. And again, it does not love me, or hate me. But I am a part of it, and it is a part of me. I can't feel lonely when I know I am a part of something big and huge...beyond description. But as the trees, bees, and planets are alive...
No one should ever be afraid to walk into a group meeting. I have never had anyone come up to me on the street, and embarrass me. And we do run into each other here and there. Instead it is a delicious little secret that we share. A special bond.
Every single one of us had to take that first brave step to walk in the first time, or walk in after a relapse. And instead of fear and shame...you will feel welcomed and wanted.
It truly is amazing to feel accepted and understood after the hell we have put ourselves through. And realize we really are not alone in our struggle.
Don't let your fears allow you to continue in the pain and misery. There are so many resources, and information out there.
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