misswhisper

greetings,

i am completely overwhelmed, can't take a deep breath and can't seem to get anything done. i am filled with confusion, shame and guilt - and remorse.

my body hurts, my mind hurts and my emotions are all over the place.

2 years ago in September, my mother died. we were very close - my kids and i lived with her. she fell down and hurt herself - and 3 months later she died of respitory failure. that's when i got sober. i was sober for a year and then i relapsed. i have been drinking again for 6 months - almost exactly. all the progress i had made in my life has fallen apart - things are really a mess. yet, i have much to be grateful for. but i absolutely can't stand me - more and more each day. i have been wanting to get sober - even attempted it a few times, but, as my disease has progressed, i am finding it difficult. i am worried about detoxing on my own. i posted here and the advice was to go to my doctor. my s/o is supportive and wants to send me to treatment - which i would love - but, with no insurance, we just can't swing it right now. we contemplated waiting - saving money for it - but i can't face the thought of having to drink daily for a few months more - until i could get in - so, i made an appointment for monday morning with my doctor. even though it is going to be really hard to admit to her that i relapsed and ask her for help - i don't see a way around it - at this point. it's like someone here said - how badly do i want to get better? so i will go - talk to her and ask her for help with detox -

i don't really know how she will help - i'm hoping that she will give me something for the anxiety...

so here i sit, drink in hand, feeling like an absolutely worthless human being.... i have so many things that i need to be doing but i seem to be unable to move, did i mention i can't breath?

i have today - tomarrow to get through and then i get to go see the doctor. then i will be able to stop i hope.

so i am hanging on to the fact that i have a plan - at least the beginnings of one.

i appreciate being able to vent... to talk it through - to use you all for a sounding board.... am i missing anything?

miss whisper