matrix

Background: ASO is 30 year pot smoker, who has been trying, unsuccessfully to quit for a couple of years now. I have known for about 18 months that it was morning/noon/night, not just recreational and have been a fabulous codie. 3 weeks ago, I found out that he had been using coke for several months. I snapped and told him to get clean or move out. He is going to meetings and, as far as I can tell, isn’t using. I am going to therapy intensively and keeping firmly focused on the 3 Cs. I feel good and strong today,.but I am also spinning around a few things and need to write:

WTF #1
I have been listening to him tell me that I am cold and distancing for years and devoting hours to beating myself up for being that way. Never occurred to me that he was doing drugs and not a reliable source of input. When I told him to get clean or move, he panicked and told me that he was scared to give up drugs ‘cos he wouldn’t be able to live me if he couldn’t sedate himself ‘cos I’m so cold and angry all the time. WTF! Somehow this finally woke me up and I realized that this is just part of his A behavior and that I am actually a pretty good, caring person.

WTF #2
We have virtually no sex life and he says it is all my fault because (you guessed it) I am cold and distant. Meanwhile, he is obese (was 40 lbs over when we got involved and has gained 40 more) and has a skin condition (looks sort of like acne) covering his torso that he has done nothing about for years. I’m the problem. WTF!! This one really kills me. Again, I have bought into the idea that I’m the failure and that if I just lighten up, everything would be great. Apparently, actually being attracted to him is not a requirement.

Resentment
Yes, he is going to meetings and seeing his therapist and he does seem to be accepting the possibility that his drug use is not ok. However, he is also acting like all is fine and nothing has changed. He hasn’t apologized for spending our money and screwing up our financial planning (which is how I found out about the coke). He doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge that his lies and disrespect have taken a huge toll on me and our relationship. Today, I am feeling resentful about that. He left for a 3 day camping trip this morning. I was distracted getting our son ready for school and processing the WTFs above. At some point, he commented that I was very quiet and asked if I was feeling ‘separation anxiety’ over his leaving (another WTF here, BTW). I didn’t respond by pointing out that I was looking forward to his being gone, so I can have some time without him to keep working my stuff. I did marvel at his thinking that I would be bummed that he was going. Does he really not understand that I am seriously wounded and exhausted and not interested in riding the emotional roller coaster anymore. OTOH, I know that making amends comes later, if at all, and that he doesn’t have to grovel while he figures this out. I guess I know that this resentment is mine to own and sort through. I just needed a place to share it and get it out of my head. Writing this has actually helped me get a better handle on it.
Thanks for listening (reading).