Thank you all for your responses and suggestions. I too have bashed on the steering wheel and screamed my head off in the car many times. I ahve journaled from time to time too. I always worry about it being found though and having to deal with the fall out. I have read co-dependent no more and gleaned what I thought I could use from it. I dont exibit much of the behavior described in it as far as controlling and obsessing over him and his actions. Maybe I used to, maybe I used to even care about him. Seems like its been forever though and I seriously wonder if I ever loved him at all... Anyway, I have spoken to a mortgage lender and was told I would not qualify for a loan regardless of my long work history or excellent credit rating because I have credit card debt and no savings. What? You mean I am just like most other people? So, I have stopped using the cards and payed off more than the usual towards them each month, joined a yoga studio and I come here to read often... I have attended an AA meeting recently in addition to the Alanon meeting and thinking maybe I should try ACA meetings to get back to my roots and see if I can unravel somethings and learn things I never learned about dealing with uncomfortable situations. I think about laying it all out on the table with him just telling him that this relationship is soooooo over for me and his getting sober wont matter. But the fear of his reaction and upsetting the kids too... I get overwhelmed.