I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I'm sorry if I keep going on and on, but it is like a faucet that onced turned cannot stop dripping. I have only shared what was happening in december with a 5 or 6 caring people. What has happened recently I only shared with 2. And they are people that I know will never judge him, but I hope can help him.
But to be truly honest I need to say my deep dark secret as well. During those times when I have felt so out of control, so helpless, I began to cut myself. It wasn't to feel pain, it wasn't to feel anything but knowing in those moments that the only truth that I could count on was the result of the knife. Please no one think I would ever be suicidal. It was never about that. I had broken my neck at 17 and most of my cuts were where I couldn't feel anyway. In some dark part of me, watching the cuts heal made me feel better. That if my body could heal that well then so could my brain. It makes no sense now as I speak it, but while I was in the moment there was no other truth. That's how I knew my enabling, my turning the other cheek had reached a critical point. My truth of myself was no longer valid and could no longer sustain what has been happening.