I wanted to thank everyone that has responded. Your words right now are my lifeline to sanity.
I feel like a picture torn in two. A picture of loving and being loved by a beauitful and talented man. A picture of a dream together that has now turned into a crazy nightmare I can't awake from. Both sides can come together to form a complete picture, but each half on it's own can only make so much sense. I guess it's the ying and the yang of people that love the addict. You believe them as well as disbelieve. You are rational as well as irrational. You love them as much as you hate the addicted person they become.
One half of the picture tells me that I am suspended in a moment of not knowing what to do but having to believe in what I see and feel. I am lonely and scared. The other half tells me that as alone in my grief as I feel, his addiction has him feeling the same if not worse. Is there anyway to mend the broken pieces?
I know deep down I can't help him, but I feel like I've become addicted to his addictions. The more he needs, the more I give. The more I give, the more I need saving.