solost

I had found out on Xmas this year that my boyfriend was using crack. Our relationship had been rocky for the previous 5 months or so, but I had attributed that to normal stresses of any relationship and to the ongoing financial hardships we were having. But by xmas he was holed up in the office for days at a time and his anger at me made no sense. When I wanted to talk to him, he wanted to bring up and yell about all the things I've done wrong in the past 4 years. He finally confessed to smoking crack and left the house.

He came back a week later and we both agreed to try to work things out. He said he stopped doing crack and things were kinda better for a while. 5weeks ago he decided to get off suboxone completely. I tried to be patient and tiptoed around the house for 2 weeks so as not to set him off while he was detoxing. Then 3 weeks ago things went from bad to worse. The neighbors dog ate our bird and that seemed to set him off into this downward spiral. We had a huge fight and he again left for a week. When he came back he apologized and blamed the withdrawal on suboxone and his stress level because of it. He started asking for space and once again locked himself in his room.

But my inner voice kept telling me something else was wrong. I caught him lying constantly. Found out he was borrowing money from friends and neighbors. 20 bucks here. 60 bucks there. Everytime I ask him if he's using again he denies and says,"it's the suboxone" and "i admitted it the last time, why would I lie now". He says that he wouldn't be eating all that he is if he was on it. But there is an emotional disconnect that wasn't there the first 2 weeks of his detoxing. Instead of lying next to me in bed, he's in the office watching porn. I feel like I'm going insane. I have become someone I no longer recognize. For the first time in 4 years of our relationship, I am spying on him. I search his office when he's not home, I search his phone when he is.

2+2 are adding up be 10 and I still find myself wanting more to believe that I'm wrong instead of facing the truth. Am I crazy? Where do I go from here? I can't make him go to treatment when he can't even admit the truth to me. Can someone offer any advice? My love for him alone can't save him and I don't even know where to start.

thank you